i am indisposed

When I was a kid and had to spend time in the “Nursery” at the 1st Church Of Christ Scientists in Bakersfield, California we did whatever we could do to pass the time. there were various wholesome toys and books and games, most of which featured inspiring, insipid bible stories, or morally righteous, farm animals.

Surprisingly the favorite toy was the relatively secular Ronald McDonald doll we found one Wednesday evening in the bottom of the toy chest, while the elderly sitter of the evening was lamenting her long lost youth and cuddling an infant. This particular Ronald Doll, pictured above on the right. Had a hollow cavity in his chest, which I learned was used to pneumatically power a whistle, which we never found.

This particular Ronald had rather horrific oral hygiene habits and had something really wrong going on in his lungs. Think a cancerous, sewer rat with infected tongue sores roasted in vinegar with a poached turd in it’s mouth.

We would squeeze the tummy and sniff the vaporous waft. Then roll on the floor wheezing with laughter and disgust. Only to sit back up and sniff it again.

While our parents were in the chapel convening on the meaning of metaphysics and sharing yarns about DIY deism, we were huffing the devil funk from the friendly man in yellow.

And we solemnly promise to watch and prey for whatever the fuck is wrong with Ronald to stay the hell away from our children.

-M

I was in my army-man pj pants from target a few minutes ago when there was a knock at the door. It was two guys in suits, but it was the kind of burgundy accented three piece that’s never the police. Oddly enough I have had suited officers of the law knock on my door, but anyway.

I uttered the words, “I don’t need to hear any bible versus either,” with the Pixies song “This Monkey’s gone to heaven” in the background, specifically the line, and if the devil is six then GOD IS SEVEN.

I’m as in love with irony as a person gan get. And actually the second guy asked if he could ask me a question and even I’m reticent to be a jackass for no reason so I let him. “how old are these houses,” he said. I answered him. My house was built in 1916. that’s 91 years old. He told me there was a brick company in town back then and that a lot of these old houses have the same bricks. He said that he would like to talk longer next time we meet. I’m cool with that, but I don’t need to talk about church.

I’ve noticed, when drilling through the walls here, that there is a different kind of brick on the inside. Striated and yellow on the outside and morter-stained, irregularly-colored red brick on the inside. Interesting. We should drill through walls more often.

-M

They bumped House to show an idiotic news bulliten about, “Gerald Ford, Dead…”

House is the only TV show I watch. I’m not saying it’s a great show or anything, but it’s the one I watch. And I’m not saying that the death of a former president, the only ony not to be elected in any way shape or form, isn’t newsworthy, but he’s going to be dead for the rest of eternity and house was only going to be on for another 50 minutes. This falls under the categort of WTF cares.

It’s snowing. I think I’ll have another beer and sleep untill it hits the valley floor.

-M

I have a question. How does shit get to smell like sour milk? That’s what the men’s room smells like right now. I had to pee with my shirt pulled up over my nose so I could only smell my Tom’s Woodspice deodorant. Granted I didn’t take a shower last night, but I still smell damn good anyway.

I’ve had some stinky poops in my time, but most of the time it smells like poop, not sour milk. Which of the old farts around here craps those putrescent buttery curd-turds? I thought it might have been L___, but he quit, and it’s STILL THERE! About the time L___ quit we got another old fart. So it might be an age thing. Either way it’s a problem.

Sometimes I use the bathroom on the other side of the building, but that’s problematic too. Our bulldike goes over there sometimes, and even though I suspect that she pees standing up there’s no way I want to chance swapping crotch cooties with that monstrosity. Hopefully this is the biggest problem I face today.