When I was a kid and had to spend time in the “Nursery” at the 1st Church Of Christ Scientists in Bakersfield, California we did whatever we could do to pass the time. there were various wholesome toys and books and games, most of which featured inspiring, insipid bible stories, or morally righteous, farm animals.

Rotten Ronnie

Surprisingly the favorite toy was the relatively secular Ronald McDonald doll we found one Wednesday evening in the bottom of the toy chest, while the elderly sitter of the evening was lamenting her long lost youth and cuddling an infant. This particular Ronald Doll, pictured above on the right. Had a hollow cavity in his chest, which I learned was used to pneumatically power a whistle, which we never found.

This particular Ronald had rather horrific oral hygiene habits and had something really wrong going on in his lungs. Think a cancerous, sewer rat with infected tongue sores roasted in vinegar with a poached turd in it’s mouth.

We would squeeze the tummy and sniff the vaporous waft. Then roll on the floor wheezing with laughter and disgust. Only to sit back up and sniff it again.

While our parents were in the chapel convening on the meaning of metaphysics and sharing yarns about DIY deism, we were huffing the devil funk from the friendly man in yellow.

And we solemnly promise to watch and prey for whatever the fuck is wrong with Ronald to stay the hell away from our children.

-M